so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
