i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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