today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
