when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk is not a location!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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