I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
