so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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