my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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