U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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