I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
