Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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