I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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