bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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