I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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