hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
