Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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