my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
