I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.