Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
