I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
