Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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