Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
