Swine flu is the new snow day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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