You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I love you. Go after that dick
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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