I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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