Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
