I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
