i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
