clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
