i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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