JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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