My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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