when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
