If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
