He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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