think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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