If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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