so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
