i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
