she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
