Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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