Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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