After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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