Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
