i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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