I hate all girls vehemently.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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