if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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