I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
