trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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