you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
