Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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