I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
