so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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