apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
