I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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