I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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