please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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